aftermath

I had every intention on calling a counseloring service today but came up with a million excuses as to why I couldn't at that moment. I really want to get a therapist and talk through all of these emotions that are running through me. But on the hand I don't want to be seen as someone who needs a therapist.
I wish I didn't have depression and anxiety and I wish upon that that what happened to M never happened in the first place. I have a lot of guilt when it comes to this. And it's given me a very bitter taste in my mouth when I have to see him. This was something that I was suppose to protect my child from and I already go and screw up at 5 years old age. What else in her life am I going to fuck up on.
You have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about...my 5 year old daughter, at the time, was sexually molested by my 12 year old brother. And out of everybody, I'm having the hardest time deal with it. It's like everyone wants to ignore it and pretend it never happened. But it did and whether she brings it up or not, it is something that she will always have to deal with. I believe it's always going to be in the back of her head. Consciously or not.
It's been only a few months since this has happened. So its fresh wound. M has never metioned it. Not unil the other day when I started asking questions about Uncle N. I wanted to know how she felt about it. If he made her happy or mad or sad or glad.
Her answer for happy was: "He lets me ride his back like I'm on a horse!"
Her answer for sad was: Remember that time when N touched me where he shouldn't have? That makes me sad."
I asked if it had happened since then or before that time. Which both answers are a no from her.
I then ask what makes her mad.
Her answer was: "When N takes things away from me, or doesn't share with me."
My last question: What makes you glad?
And her answer " He plays with me."

She has never mentioned it before. So it was odd to hear her actually bring it up. Because I want to know if shes upset or confused or scared. I don't want her to keep it in and bottle it up. BUT I don't want to hash on it repeatedly. That will be my last time talking about it, unless she has something to say herself.

But all in all, I think I'm taking it really hard. I feel so powerless. I was to the point where I wanted to basically give up on everything. Not suicide or anything of that nature. But just gave up on trying. As we all know, maybe only some of us, it's take a lot of work to be a mother or a wife or a professional. And I guess I just stopped trying to be any of those things. Of couse I was always physically there for my children but emotionally, I had just checked out. Which is really sad, those babies didn't deserve that. It's not their fault mommy has issues.

I tried real hard to give up on my marriage. I felt I didn't deserve one. I always felt like Mr. M was pulling into a totally different direction than where I was going. He took the information about M way differently than me and I was upset. Honestly, I was hurt. I wanted him there. But he just wasn't he had tuned it out and did not want to "mourn" over it. He wanted to deal with it on his own and I wanted him more than anything to be a partner in this. I wanted to make it through it with him. But it didn't end up that way.

Evidently, I just became bitter towards him. I tried to make sure I wasn't home when he was. I hung out with friends more often. I ignored him at home. I was so hurt by him. So I started thinking that we were a bad fit. That I was going to need someone to be there with me not turn around and shut me out.

I started thinking this marriage thing was not the thing for me. I honestly started looking around. Looking for someone of a man I thought would be more suitable for me. Of course my insecurities got the best of me and I started toying with the idea of fulfilling my needs sexually.

I started talking to an old ex again. We actually met up once and made out but that was the end of that situation. Ever since he went into the military, he has just turned into a complete douchebag. But I guess that's another story...

After the ex situation didn't work out, obviously my self esteem sunk more. So I went to a party at a friend of mines. A friend I haven't seen forever and someone I hope I'll always be friends with. I set my eyes on a guy that I had known back in high school and sort of had a thing from him back then. I started texting him to see his reaction to some of my naughty texting and to my surprised he was interested. The whole night we flirted, which felt so strange yet so euphoric. I haven't flirted or been flirted with in 5 years now!

Finally, one thing lead to another and I got what I wanted. It was good or worth it, but I got it. I "proved" to myself that I was actually wanted. It might not have been the man I wanted. But he wanted me just the same.

Anyways, to make a long story short. I ended up telling Mr. Matt about my infidelities after being filled with guilt. He actually took it a lot better than I could have imagined. Of course he was hurt and angry and has absolutely no trust in me. But he stayed with me to try. We do have 3 small children and honestly, I think thats the only reason why he's trying so hard, but at least he's trying.

My point being, I feel this all stems from M's ordeal. And my inability to deal with the situation and aftermath.