I wish I could just get my head straight.

I miss my husband. At first when he started this second job we were just going through the infidelity that I confessed to. We have really worked through it, I think. Yes, he still has A LOT of trouble trusting me, which is so understandable and I'm still super defensive because I know I'm doing better. But we love each other and we face each day choosing to be together and choosing to make this work. We have 3 beautiful little girls that depend on us. And I would hate to be one of those couples that stay together for the children. But we're not. I know without a doubt he would be out the door right now if we didn't have our children, our family. But we do have a family. And there is love between us. He understands me, more than I understand myself at times. I always think he deserves so much more from a wife than I give him. Someone who appreciates every little thing he does but doesn't say. I wish I was the type of person that didn't need constant reassurance. I wish I didn't need approval or acceptance. I wish I just knew that he loved me and that was the end of it. And to a certain degree, after this whole episode, I can see that. If he didn't truly love me, he would have left, regardless of our children or not. He would have left.
This blog is a whole bunch of rambling of sentences that don't even make sense except in my head. But it still feels good to get it out. The point of this whole entry is to express my love for my husband. My best friend. The person who puts up with my crap the most. My love is real. Has always been real and I wish I could just get my head straight.

Personality

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 62% Schizoid |||||||||||| 42% Schizotypal |||||||||||| 46% Antisocial |||||||||||| 42% Borderline |||||||||||||| 54% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 62% Narcissistic |||||||||| 38% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 58% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 62% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||| 54%

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Addiction

I feel like a fiend. Desperately trying to find my stash. Which is ridiculous. Why should I need to get high? Why do I feel like that is the only way to escape? And why do I feel like he is not being 100% honest with me. I have a sneaky suspicion that he is hiding it from me. And that just makes me more angry. Which is dumb. This whole thing is dumb. Why can't I just destress without the need of anything?
I have a very addictive behavior. It becomes the center of my life. I'm not talking hard stuff, like cocaine or anything of that nature. I've never in my life touched something like that. But anxiety medication, migraine meds, marijuana, etc. I mentally feel like I need to have this to cope. It's an awful habit but it's something I've been deal with basically my whole life. And I know I get it from my mother. She is just as bad, if not worse, than me.
I always need to have the euphoric feeling. I'm very dependent on things. People, medication and the like. Something I'm not proud of but something I've become acustom to.

Common Characteristics Among Addictive Behaviors

There are many common characteristics among the various addictive behaviors:

1. The person becomes obsessed (constantly thinks of) the object, activity, or substance.

2. They will seek it out, or engage in the behaivor even though it is causing harm (physical problems, poor work or study performance, problems with friends, family, fellow workers).

3. The person will compulsively engage in the activity, that is, do the activity over and over even if he/she does not want to and find it difficult to stop.

4. Upon cessation of the activity, withdrawal symptoms often occur. These can include irritability, craving, restlessness or depression.

5. The person does not appear to have control as to when, how long, or how much he or she will continue the behavior (loss of control). (They drink 6 beers when they only wanted one, buy 8 pairs of shoes when they only needed a belt, ate the whole box of cookies, etc).

6. He/she often denies problems resulting from his/her engagement in the behavior, even though others can see the negative effects.

7. Person hides the behavior after family or close friends have mentioned their concern. (hides food under beds, alcohol bottles in closets, doesn't show spouse credit card bills, etc).

8. Many individuals with addictive behaviors report a blackout for the time they were engaging in the behavior (don't remember how much or what they bought, how much the lost gambeling, how many miles they ran on a sore foot, what they did at the party when drinking)

9.Depression is common in individuals with addictive behaviors. That is why it is important to make an appointment with a physician to find out what is going on.

10. Individuals with addictive behaviors often have low self esteem, feel anxious if the do not have control over their environment, and come from psychologically or physically abusive families.

It is considered to be behaviors learned in response to the complex interplay between heredity and environmental factors. Still others argue for a genetic cause.


It's sad that I don't want to stop. I don't want to lose that euphoric feeling. I don't want to quit what I've started. I always try to be in a safe environment and never let it get out of control. Except for that one night when I completely made bad choices and will forever pay for them.

If this all makes me a bad person, then so be it. But I feel what I feel. I do think I need help to sort through some of the problems that I seem to be running from. But as far as stopping my behavior, I don't feel at this time like I can...

I'm sitting here almost to the point of tears. I feel as though I have no one. Sure, I have my parents and my children and my husband. But as far as a real true friend, I don't feel like I have that. I feel like some of the "friends" that I do have just use me and of course I let them because I want to be liked. Which is really pathetic. And then I have a few other friends that just live too far away. It's not an easy trip over to see them or just to hang out.
I honestly feel like I have no one to turn to. No shoulder to cry on. No one to vent with or giggle with over stupidness. I feel like I've only had 2 real "Best Friends" in my life. One absolutely hates me. We both took two different paths and these paths will never again meet. The other has her own life with her own child. She lives far away from me and it's never easy to just "meet up".
I say this now because I recently learned that Mr. M's grandmother had, what they thought, to be a stroke. She couldn't speak and she couldn't put names to faces, she was also very confused. After a CAT scan and a MRI, they learned that she did not actually have a stroke. But does have fluid collection in between the lung and the chest wall. Could mean she has congestive heart failure. Which I guess is how her mother died as well. With the same exact symptoms.
She is slowly putting names to faces and having more conversations. At times her conversations don't make sense. She'll say random statements or make rude comments. Which has never been her type of behavior.
I neglected to mention that this woman also had bone cancer for the last few years, as well as chronic diarrhea for the last year. Not to mention, her husband treats her like complete shit and thinks he deserves to be waited on hand and foot by her. He tells her on a daily basis how no good she is. And he actually expects Gram to get out of the hospital in the next couple days so she can come home and take care of him. Just completely insane. And really, what is she going to do? The woman is 80 something years old. She just grins and bares it.
This woman is an absolute saint. She has to be THE sweetest, kindest, most genuine person I have ever met. Which makes this whole thing just a shit ton worse. My children think the world of her. And to actually sit here and think that I could very soon quite possibly be telling them that she has passed just sickens me. I don't even know how I would start that conversation. I can only imagine the hurt on M's face. Grammy and M are very close.
This hurts me the worst. Having to tell me children. Of course it is very sad to me but I actually understand death where these 2 six and three year olds do not.
I'm starting to calm down right about now and my favorite show, Ghost Hunters will be on in 7 minutes. So I'm going to try to relax in bed and destress.

My Autobiography

Your Autobiography

Part 1: The Birth of You:

Were you a planned baby?: No
Were you the first?: Yes
Who was present at your birth?: I'm not quite sure but I want to say my mother's parents.
Were your parents married when you were born?: No
What is your birthdate?: June 8th, 1983

Part 2: The Family

How would you describe your family?: disfunctional
Are your parents married? Yes
Siblings or an only child?: Siblings
If you have siblings are you oldest, middle, or youngest?: Oldest
What are your siblings names and ages?: Jake 22, Isaac 16, Mackensey 13, Noah 12
Which parent do you get along with best?: I get along with both really well
What do you fight about?: Nothing really.
Do you have step parents?: No. But I do have a biological father that I don't consider my father.

Part 3: The Friends

Do you have more than one best friend?: No
Who are your best friends?: Matt?
What do you like to do when you are together?: I don't really have friends, so therefore I don't really do much of anything
Do you share the same interests?: Not really.
Which friend can you tell anything to?: Matt

Part 4: Your Personality

How high/low is your self esteem?: low
Are you an extrovert or an introvert?: depends on the situation
Are you happy?: at times
Do you live life to the fullest?: I should more

Part 5: Appearance

Are you comforable with the way you look?: no way
Do you have any piercings besides your ears?: not anymore
Describe your hair.: It's wavy. But right now it's pulled back with a hair clip.
What make-up do you wear?: whichever I grab
How do you dress?: comfortable.

Part 6: The Past

Were you a strange child?: I don't really think so
What did you use to love that you no longer do?: Make homemade movies
Do you have the same friends?: Some..ok one.
Was there anything in your past that was traumatizing?: Nothing comes to mind

Part 7: The Future

What is your ambition?: To be a kindergarten teacher
Are you scared of growing old?: not so much
Do you want to get married?: I am married

Part 8: The Outdoors

Do you prefer indoors or outdoors?: depends on the season
What is your favorite season: summer
Do you like walking in the rain?: in the summer time

Part 9: Food

Are you a vegentarian?: no
What is your favorite fruit?: strawberies
What food makes you want to gag?: squash or peas
What is your favorite dessert?: whoopie pies
What is your favorite restaurant?: Margaritas
Are you a fussy eater?: Not really

Part 10: Relationships and Love

Are you single or taken?: Taken
If taken who is the lucky guy/girl?: Matty O
Do you think love is the best feeling in the world?: I think love for a child is the best feeling in the world
Do you believe in love at first sight?: eh

Part 11: Experiences

What was one of your greatest experiences?: becoming a mother
What was one of your worst?: being plagued with depression
Have you ever done drugs?: yes
Have you ever thought you were going to die?: no
Have you ever suffered from depression?: story of my life

aftermath

I had every intention on calling a counseloring service today but came up with a million excuses as to why I couldn't at that moment. I really want to get a therapist and talk through all of these emotions that are running through me. But on the hand I don't want to be seen as someone who needs a therapist.
I wish I didn't have depression and anxiety and I wish upon that that what happened to M never happened in the first place. I have a lot of guilt when it comes to this. And it's given me a very bitter taste in my mouth when I have to see him. This was something that I was suppose to protect my child from and I already go and screw up at 5 years old age. What else in her life am I going to fuck up on.
You have absolutely no idea what I'm talking about...my 5 year old daughter, at the time, was sexually molested by my 12 year old brother. And out of everybody, I'm having the hardest time deal with it. It's like everyone wants to ignore it and pretend it never happened. But it did and whether she brings it up or not, it is something that she will always have to deal with. I believe it's always going to be in the back of her head. Consciously or not.
It's been only a few months since this has happened. So its fresh wound. M has never metioned it. Not unil the other day when I started asking questions about Uncle N. I wanted to know how she felt about it. If he made her happy or mad or sad or glad.
Her answer for happy was: "He lets me ride his back like I'm on a horse!"
Her answer for sad was: Remember that time when N touched me where he shouldn't have? That makes me sad."
I asked if it had happened since then or before that time. Which both answers are a no from her.
I then ask what makes her mad.
Her answer was: "When N takes things away from me, or doesn't share with me."
My last question: What makes you glad?
And her answer " He plays with me."

She has never mentioned it before. So it was odd to hear her actually bring it up. Because I want to know if shes upset or confused or scared. I don't want her to keep it in and bottle it up. BUT I don't want to hash on it repeatedly. That will be my last time talking about it, unless she has something to say herself.

But all in all, I think I'm taking it really hard. I feel so powerless. I was to the point where I wanted to basically give up on everything. Not suicide or anything of that nature. But just gave up on trying. As we all know, maybe only some of us, it's take a lot of work to be a mother or a wife or a professional. And I guess I just stopped trying to be any of those things. Of couse I was always physically there for my children but emotionally, I had just checked out. Which is really sad, those babies didn't deserve that. It's not their fault mommy has issues.

I tried real hard to give up on my marriage. I felt I didn't deserve one. I always felt like Mr. M was pulling into a totally different direction than where I was going. He took the information about M way differently than me and I was upset. Honestly, I was hurt. I wanted him there. But he just wasn't he had tuned it out and did not want to "mourn" over it. He wanted to deal with it on his own and I wanted him more than anything to be a partner in this. I wanted to make it through it with him. But it didn't end up that way.

Evidently, I just became bitter towards him. I tried to make sure I wasn't home when he was. I hung out with friends more often. I ignored him at home. I was so hurt by him. So I started thinking that we were a bad fit. That I was going to need someone to be there with me not turn around and shut me out.

I started thinking this marriage thing was not the thing for me. I honestly started looking around. Looking for someone of a man I thought would be more suitable for me. Of course my insecurities got the best of me and I started toying with the idea of fulfilling my needs sexually.

I started talking to an old ex again. We actually met up once and made out but that was the end of that situation. Ever since he went into the military, he has just turned into a complete douchebag. But I guess that's another story...

After the ex situation didn't work out, obviously my self esteem sunk more. So I went to a party at a friend of mines. A friend I haven't seen forever and someone I hope I'll always be friends with. I set my eyes on a guy that I had known back in high school and sort of had a thing from him back then. I started texting him to see his reaction to some of my naughty texting and to my surprised he was interested. The whole night we flirted, which felt so strange yet so euphoric. I haven't flirted or been flirted with in 5 years now!

Finally, one thing lead to another and I got what I wanted. It was good or worth it, but I got it. I "proved" to myself that I was actually wanted. It might not have been the man I wanted. But he wanted me just the same.

Anyways, to make a long story short. I ended up telling Mr. Matt about my infidelities after being filled with guilt. He actually took it a lot better than I could have imagined. Of course he was hurt and angry and has absolutely no trust in me. But he stayed with me to try. We do have 3 small children and honestly, I think thats the only reason why he's trying so hard, but at least he's trying.

My point being, I feel this all stems from M's ordeal. And my inability to deal with the situation and aftermath.

take a break or something?

I have no idea why I can't keep my eyes open, at only 6:30pm. It was worse earlier as I was driving home from my mother's. I kept swerving and riding people's bumpers. I was given the finger a few times but I just couldn't help it. I've felt like a wreck all day. Thinking I had an UTI or Kidney infection or something of the sort when I woke up with tremendous lower back pain.
After taking most of the day off from work and seeing the doctor, all he could give me for an answer was maybe I was ovulating. Ovulating? I've never had painful urination while ovulating. I've never had back pain the way I did today. And I honestly don't even know when my last period should have been. I was told to take some tylenol and he'd let me know what the test results were in a couple of days. Gee, thanks Doc. That really helps me for the time being, doesn't it?
I've got Amelia in my lap, whose usually in bed by now. But instead she spent 20 minutes screaming. I couldn't take much more of that. The older 2 girls are occupying themselves in their rooms with their Nintendo DS and Leapster. All I want to do is curl up in bed and pass out.
Not so easy while being a mother of three. Your physically needs always come last. You have to make huge sacrifices to become a mother. And no, not just going to bed at 6:30 at night. I just wish at times I had that freedom to get up and go whenever a friend called. I wish I didn't have to search for a sitter or feel guilty because I was doing something that didn't involve my children.
All I can hear is Mia's new hamster, Cookie, running around and around in it's wheel. After a few hours of it, it starts to make my ears bleed. Can't the damn thing take a break or something?
I sure know I need to...

Exhausted

It has taken me far too long to decide whether I wanted to go back to diaryland or start fresh with blogspot. Now that I've wasted all of this time, I'm definately going to be going to bed since I have to be up for work in 5 hours. But never fear, I have LOTS to delve into...