Resolution

My new year's resolution is to stop smoking so much pot. It's become a nasty habit as of lately. From doing it with friends, to actually doing it all alone. I need to find better means to cope with life than to hide behind an illegal substance.
I feel ashamed for letting it become such an active role in my life. I always vowed never to be that kind of person or mother. But I have let it taken control of me.
This year I want to get back to the old me and learn to deal with issues on my own without depending on something to mask it.

Biological

It's 1am and I should be sleeping, I want to be sleeping. But for some reason after sex I always have a surge of thoughts and emotions running through me. I read somewhere that sex is more potent than Valium. It may be true for someone like my husband, who instantly will pass out after wards. But for me, it's the complete opposite. I'm usually awake for hours, just thinking..
Two topics come to mind. The first being M's biological father.
Within the last few days we have been corresponding. I felt that when she turned six that I wanted to contact him and update him with pictures. I felt after six years, maybe just maybe, he's interested in this life that he created.
So I sent a few pictures and a brief message saying that if he ever wanted to know anything about Mia, had any questions or comments or anything, I'm more than willing to share them with him.
Weeks passed and I heard nothing. I felt dumb for even thinking that after six years he may have grown up, just a little. Until yesterday.
I got a message from him stating that he thought M was beautiful. He thought I looked happy, in the pictures he saw. He informed me of the trouble he is having with the state due to back child support. Which I relinquished him of years ago. Evidently, the paperwork never went through and he's been having trouble getting jobs, getting a passport, buying a house, finishing school.
I feel bad for all of these troubles in his life. But he did make a bed and he did lie in it. My life hasn't been hunky dory either. My whole world changed as well.
But I did tell him that I am more than willing to contact the state to clear up the confusion. I made it clear that it was never intentional. And that I was sorry he was having a hard time.
I explained to be the reason why he signed over his rights, which I always thought was because of the money. But he informed me it was because he never had a full time father and he never wanted M to have to grow up like that. He knew that Mr. M would be right there to take care of her and be there for her every step of the way. In ways, he could not be.
He stated that he was sorry for how things turned out. He was young and didn't know what the hell he was doing. Which is completely understandable. I was young as well but made it very clear that M was always my main concern. I had to put her needs before anything else. He agreed and had no hard feelings.
We agreed to try to rebuild some sort of friendship. Start fresh and anew. I informed him that M does not know of him and that I am waiting until she is older and able to fully understand the situation before I tell her. After that, she is able to do what she wishes, whether it be having a relationship with him or not. J seemed to agree with that and thought it was a wise decision.
All and all, I thought the conversations went well. Are we best friends? No. Do I forgive him? Yes.
It's going to take a lot of work to re patch the last six years of our lives.


Shit, now I've forgotten my second topic. Figures...

great feeling in itself

I've been feeling better since being put on Klonopins. The Xanax was not really a big help. I felt myself taking way too many than necessary. They only helped in short bursts while the Klonopins help over a longer period of time.
There was a week I went without the Klonopins and I definitely felt a difference. I have full blown panic attacks, not to mention zero personality. I felt myself being very grumpy or pretty much non-existent. It was a very odd sensation.
But I'm glad to be feeling better. I'm glad the holiday season is approaching us. Money is always an issue and it always makes things a little more stressful. But I think we're doing well.
I can't wait to do some actual shopping for these 3 delightful little girls. I've only gotten a few items. Nothing big. And with Mr. M working 2 jobs, it makes it hard for the both of us to go out together and shop for the girls.
Nothing big or extraordinary has happened within the last few weeks. But I am starting to feel more content. Which is a great feeling in itself...

I wish I could just get my head straight.

I miss my husband. At first when he started this second job we were just going through the infidelity that I confessed to. We have really worked through it, I think. Yes, he still has A LOT of trouble trusting me, which is so understandable and I'm still super defensive because I know I'm doing better. But we love each other and we face each day choosing to be together and choosing to make this work. We have 3 beautiful little girls that depend on us. And I would hate to be one of those couples that stay together for the children. But we're not. I know without a doubt he would be out the door right now if we didn't have our children, our family. But we do have a family. And there is love between us. He understands me, more than I understand myself at times. I always think he deserves so much more from a wife than I give him. Someone who appreciates every little thing he does but doesn't say. I wish I was the type of person that didn't need constant reassurance. I wish I didn't need approval or acceptance. I wish I just knew that he loved me and that was the end of it. And to a certain degree, after this whole episode, I can see that. If he didn't truly love me, he would have left, regardless of our children or not. He would have left.
This blog is a whole bunch of rambling of sentences that don't even make sense except in my head. But it still feels good to get it out. The point of this whole entry is to express my love for my husband. My best friend. The person who puts up with my crap the most. My love is real. Has always been real and I wish I could just get my head straight.

Personality

Personality Disorder Test Results Paranoid |||||||||||||||| 62% Schizoid |||||||||||| 42% Schizotypal |||||||||||| 46% Antisocial |||||||||||| 42% Borderline |||||||||||||| 54% Histrionic |||||||||||||||| 62% Narcissistic |||||||||| 38% Avoidant |||||||||||||| 58% Dependent |||||||||||||||| 62% Obsessive-Compulsive |||||||||||||| 54%

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Addiction

I feel like a fiend. Desperately trying to find my stash. Which is ridiculous. Why should I need to get high? Why do I feel like that is the only way to escape? And why do I feel like he is not being 100% honest with me. I have a sneaky suspicion that he is hiding it from me. And that just makes me more angry. Which is dumb. This whole thing is dumb. Why can't I just destress without the need of anything?
I have a very addictive behavior. It becomes the center of my life. I'm not talking hard stuff, like cocaine or anything of that nature. I've never in my life touched something like that. But anxiety medication, migraine meds, marijuana, etc. I mentally feel like I need to have this to cope. It's an awful habit but it's something I've been deal with basically my whole life. And I know I get it from my mother. She is just as bad, if not worse, than me.
I always need to have the euphoric feeling. I'm very dependent on things. People, medication and the like. Something I'm not proud of but something I've become acustom to.

Common Characteristics Among Addictive Behaviors

There are many common characteristics among the various addictive behaviors:

1. The person becomes obsessed (constantly thinks of) the object, activity, or substance.

2. They will seek it out, or engage in the behaivor even though it is causing harm (physical problems, poor work or study performance, problems with friends, family, fellow workers).

3. The person will compulsively engage in the activity, that is, do the activity over and over even if he/she does not want to and find it difficult to stop.

4. Upon cessation of the activity, withdrawal symptoms often occur. These can include irritability, craving, restlessness or depression.

5. The person does not appear to have control as to when, how long, or how much he or she will continue the behavior (loss of control). (They drink 6 beers when they only wanted one, buy 8 pairs of shoes when they only needed a belt, ate the whole box of cookies, etc).

6. He/she often denies problems resulting from his/her engagement in the behavior, even though others can see the negative effects.

7. Person hides the behavior after family or close friends have mentioned their concern. (hides food under beds, alcohol bottles in closets, doesn't show spouse credit card bills, etc).

8. Many individuals with addictive behaviors report a blackout for the time they were engaging in the behavior (don't remember how much or what they bought, how much the lost gambeling, how many miles they ran on a sore foot, what they did at the party when drinking)

9.Depression is common in individuals with addictive behaviors. That is why it is important to make an appointment with a physician to find out what is going on.

10. Individuals with addictive behaviors often have low self esteem, feel anxious if the do not have control over their environment, and come from psychologically or physically abusive families.

It is considered to be behaviors learned in response to the complex interplay between heredity and environmental factors. Still others argue for a genetic cause.


It's sad that I don't want to stop. I don't want to lose that euphoric feeling. I don't want to quit what I've started. I always try to be in a safe environment and never let it get out of control. Except for that one night when I completely made bad choices and will forever pay for them.

If this all makes me a bad person, then so be it. But I feel what I feel. I do think I need help to sort through some of the problems that I seem to be running from. But as far as stopping my behavior, I don't feel at this time like I can...

I'm sitting here almost to the point of tears. I feel as though I have no one. Sure, I have my parents and my children and my husband. But as far as a real true friend, I don't feel like I have that. I feel like some of the "friends" that I do have just use me and of course I let them because I want to be liked. Which is really pathetic. And then I have a few other friends that just live too far away. It's not an easy trip over to see them or just to hang out.
I honestly feel like I have no one to turn to. No shoulder to cry on. No one to vent with or giggle with over stupidness. I feel like I've only had 2 real "Best Friends" in my life. One absolutely hates me. We both took two different paths and these paths will never again meet. The other has her own life with her own child. She lives far away from me and it's never easy to just "meet up".
I say this now because I recently learned that Mr. M's grandmother had, what they thought, to be a stroke. She couldn't speak and she couldn't put names to faces, she was also very confused. After a CAT scan and a MRI, they learned that she did not actually have a stroke. But does have fluid collection in between the lung and the chest wall. Could mean she has congestive heart failure. Which I guess is how her mother died as well. With the same exact symptoms.
She is slowly putting names to faces and having more conversations. At times her conversations don't make sense. She'll say random statements or make rude comments. Which has never been her type of behavior.
I neglected to mention that this woman also had bone cancer for the last few years, as well as chronic diarrhea for the last year. Not to mention, her husband treats her like complete shit and thinks he deserves to be waited on hand and foot by her. He tells her on a daily basis how no good she is. And he actually expects Gram to get out of the hospital in the next couple days so she can come home and take care of him. Just completely insane. And really, what is she going to do? The woman is 80 something years old. She just grins and bares it.
This woman is an absolute saint. She has to be THE sweetest, kindest, most genuine person I have ever met. Which makes this whole thing just a shit ton worse. My children think the world of her. And to actually sit here and think that I could very soon quite possibly be telling them that she has passed just sickens me. I don't even know how I would start that conversation. I can only imagine the hurt on M's face. Grammy and M are very close.
This hurts me the worst. Having to tell me children. Of course it is very sad to me but I actually understand death where these 2 six and three year olds do not.
I'm starting to calm down right about now and my favorite show, Ghost Hunters will be on in 7 minutes. So I'm going to try to relax in bed and destress.